quiet absence

A few days ago I felt pain in my heart, which increased the next day, and on the third day it frightened me into going to a nearest clinic early in the morning. Sitting there waiting for the doctor and EKG results I felt this might have been the day I die. Simply, the end. It was a terrifying thought, at first.
But then I remembered that I just lost the last hesitations about the existence of God and there is nothing to be afraid of. I remembered the quiet sense of humility of my godless experience thus far, and it carried me through the waiting. I wasn’t afraid anymore of dying. Just as I am not afraid of living, same difference!
I saw myself a part of the fabric of reality, being separate from prerequisite circumstances, the past time, the first and all the ensuing causes that led us to the present consequences, ensure freedom of life and ensure the future. Balance is preserved. I am alone & separate, but I am free. The key and the lock. The sail and the anchor. The cost and the benefit, the system of All that exists.
My heart ached with almost every breath, but I suddenly had faith in my heart. Because it wasn’t dependent on any fickle decisions of a conscious godlike entity who might or might not love me or wish me well. It wasn’t dependent on a karma, an accumulated score of good or bad deeds, or a spiritual aura and etc..
I had faith in my heart because of the billions of years of cell evolution that perfected itself over time to the point of giving life to an advanced animal called a human. Sitting in the doctor office, I pictured in my mind this enormous span of time, and the endless individual animal species whose hearts ever beat. I imagined the heartbeat of an alligator whose heart chambers are uniquely different from other animals. I imagined the heartbeat of a hummingbird. It’s amazing how fast it beats, the fastest of all alive creatures on earth. I imagined the billions and trillions of heartbeats that beat before me, and then I listened to my own heart beat. It felt quiet suddenly, and I felt at peace, believing in my own heartbeat, and that it was strong enough. My own heart was lying on the shoulders of all these multitudes of heartbeats that lived before me, and all the billions of human hearts beating today.
Not on God, his wishes and his plans for me. I was no longer afraid, even if my heart had a fatal failure. I felt connected to all these trillions of heartbeats, and even if my link of life were to break, I felt that the multitudes of heartbeats would continue on without me, becoming stronger in the process of time, and this realization filled me with acceptance, and an agreement to relinquish my individual life if it was about to happen. I sat in a room flooded with sunlight, warming my own skin, and I felt my body was connected to the space surrounding me, giving me warmth from the sun. The difference between where my skin ended and air began was a mere perception, an interpretation of my brain. I was suspending my belief in reality as I saw it. Reality can be tricky, indeed.
The EKG results came in and my heart was normal. It was as strong as before the doctor visit. I have yet to get results from my blood tests, but I believe in my heart. I trust the process of life that brought me here and gave me life, whether I am a strong or a weak link, all I need to know that I am only a small link, carried on the shoulders of trillions and trillions of other links, and trillions of other heartbeats. I am tiny and vulnerable but strong at the same time, stronger than any spiritual, feeble, instant, static deity conjured up in the minds of humans. There is nothing bigger and stronger out there, that hasn’t evolved and improved in a toiling process of a mine called life. Life that doesn’t struggle and toil through space-time, that doesn’t multiply itself, born in the pain of labor, does not exist. It cannot be stronger than existence that struggled, toiled and evolved in pain, it simply cannot. This is the key.

(written circa 2010)

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